Goddamn, she is some sort of hot today. What is it? Like, nine thousand degrees out? All these sun burnt people with their sun burnt children don’t seem to be bothered… With their bare chicken legs out and their little fan-water-spritzer thingies to keep them from dying. What about me? I’m actually working here and I feel like I’m about to have a heat stroke. I ain’t got one of them water-fan things in here. I mean, don’t get me twisted, I like my job and all, but on days like today, when it is hotter than the devil’s ass, my moral compass tends to go a lil funky, if you know what I mean… I dunno if it’s because of the lack of oxygen in this costume or whatever; all I know is that I have come this close to slapping snow cones and ice creams out of people’s hands. If I can’t take pleasure in a cool, refreshing, and thirst-quenching treat, NO-BO-DY can (at least not while I’m on the clock).
I’m being dramatic. Me actually slapping the crap out of someone’s hand is very unlikely, but it makes me feel pretty good during these scorchers… and it adds a golden layer of humour to this job. Lemme tell you, I see some funny shit here.
The best thing about me wearing this giant Minnie Mouse head is that I get paid to peer out at the Disney World through these lil’ peepholes (they’re actually her nostrils, but the kids don’t know that) and interact with the park-goers, AND I can watch a child face-plant right in front of me and I can straight-up lose my shit; all they’ll see beyond their tears is Minnie’s stupid smiling fat head wobbling over to see if they want a hug… but in reality I’m coming over and hugging you because you just made my day; My whole goddamn day. It’s kinda difficult to stifle a laugh, especially a squawk like mine, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it.
I’m tellin’ you, some of the people around here can be more entertaining than the park itself. Sometimes I feel like they should be the ones getting paid for all the entertaining they’re doing. Oh my days, like this motley crew, right here! Look at ‘em, look at ‘em: Dad’s eating a hot dog with one hand, while he half-ass pulls his child in the stroller behind him ON TWO WHEELS. ‘Scuse me sir, but that is not a suitcase—and I’m pretty sure the only thing your child has seen since it’s been back there… is the friggin sky. And it doesn’t even have a hat or sunglasses on! Yo, that kid aint gonna have anything in its eye sockets by the end of today. What am I talkin’ about, by the end of that hotdog… You can’t make this shit up. I will bet you money that this sorta nonsense is gonna happen at least two more times in the next hour or so. For real.
I’m only in this Minnie getup for another four weeks until school starts. I’m on scholarship at NYU’s Tisch, but a girl still has to pay rent. Ain’t no way I was gonna be taking a boring-ass nine-to-five desk job for my summer.
Deloitte & Touche
Summer Student Secretarial Position
No business knowledge necessary
No brain necessary.
I need to engage with exciting and interesting humans every day. I need walk around whenever and wherever I want. I need to laugh whenever and wherever I want. Personally, I’ll take this Minnie job over working at Deloitte and Douche any day. My mum thinks I should’ve applied for the nine-to-five, but my dad cheered on the Disney route.
See this guy right by The Little Mermaid water fountain? He reminds me of my dad. The way he’s sharing his water bottle and Popsicle with his little kid, my dad is just like that. Dear lord, this is so adorbs. My dad would totally still share a popsicle with me. He never was the kinda man to yank around his kid’s stroller like it was a shopping cart with a busted wheel. Nah.
I can tell that guy over there is gonna raise his kid right.
“MINNIE MOUSE!”
I’ve been standing here staring at people for so long, someone’s finally calling me out for being creepy!
It’s a little girl in a Tinkerbell dress. Bless. What an adorable face! She’s wearing a bucket hat, Crocs, a wand in one hand, and the leash to her own monkey strap that she’s currently buckled into in the other. Her wings are bent to hell because of her leash. She’s a sight. But the cutest sight I’ve seen all day. I can’t really talk to the park-goers, so I’m shaking my bobble head like a lunatic to say, “Yes, Tinkerbell leash kid, you most certainly can take a picture with me!” She barely reaches my waist, so she has to hug around my leg. I wish I could pick this cutie up and squeeze her for the photo, but that could go south real fast. Instead, my fat gloved hand awkwardly rests on her wings. I wanna pull these gloves off and straighten out her wings.
“What do you say to Minnie Mouse, Nora?”
Little Nora looks aaalllllll the way up at me, still holding onto my leg.
“Thank you for the pitcher, Minnie.”
Mum and dad are coming over to pry her off of me. They look thankful, but almost as if Nora has overstayed her welcome with me.
“You’re her absolute favourite. She only wanted a picture with you.”
I’m actually so flattered. The little girls always want a photo with the princesses. I wanna pull this head off and tell her how much I appreciate kids like her, but that might frigg her whole world up. I just have to rub my heart and blow her a kiss. Look at her face as she leaves. Bless her! Bye, Nora. Bye, lil cutie.
Aaannndd it’s back to spacing out again. I wish more kids would come up to me. Seriously, they make my day more than I make theirs.
