
Noelle silently mumbles, “The Silk Road was an ancient trade route that…” as she types these words steadily. The clock ticks on 11:43. Suddenly, a distant siren goes off, piercing her ears. Her fingers start to twitch as the pace of her typing slows down.
“Wh…what?” Noelle pauses and looks up at Mr. Matherson with confusion, hoping to find the source of the noise. The siren keeps ringing, only getting louder. A rush of darkness attacks, blurring her vision. Suddenly, the room feels stuffy, and the air becomes too thin to gulp and gasp for.
The shutting of the classroom door makes a loud echo in the hallway as Noelle storms towards the bathroom. She quickly enters a stall and curls up on the toilet seat. There is no one in the bathroom, and yet it is so loud, too loud for her to form a single thought. It was Noelle’s first-time experiencing anxiety. Little did she know, it was going to live with her for many years.
But time passes as quickly as sand in an hourglass.
Tucked in silk and a warm plush blanket, Noelle reluctantly turns to the bedside table, reaching for her phone. An overlapping sound of white noises start to play.
“What time ’we waking up? 11? Maybe 10:45. You’d have an extra 15 minutes to wake up, then we’ll take the tram, which will take approximately 24 minutes” Noelle calls out to the half-open bedroom door. “Then we’d be able to eat at around 12… Are you listening?”
“11 is fine.” her friend responds from across the hallway.
Noelle sighs with relief, gently settling into a comfortable position, closing her eyes. The bedroom is quiet. Apart from the ten-hour white noise playlist, of course.
Suddenly, sounds of crumpling sheets break the silence. Noelle stiffly pushes herself away from the soft mattress, sitting up straight.
“I need to do laundry,” she mumbles to herself, displeased. Holding only two jackets and a skirt, Noelle walks into the laundry room with heavy steps. She turns on the dim light and proceeds with her routine. This is her third load today.
Noelle suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – a chronic condition in which patients will experience persistent symptoms, making them anxious and worried all the time. According to the Boston Children’s Hospital, GAD is arguably one of the most common anxiety conditions diagnosed, one in every five people suffer from it. GAD is hereditary; there is one-third of a chance that the child will inherit this disorder from their parents. In the case of Noelle, her disorder was inherited from her father.
Time passes as quickly as sand in an hourglass. At first the surface is smooth; but before it even reaches the glass edges, a hill is formed.
Taking big, firm steps, Noelle speeds down the street with a pair of headphones on. The song ‘Dead!’ by My Chemical Romance is playing in her headphones, disturbing the passing strangers with bleeding sounds of distorted guitar.
As Noelle passes by, the air smells of billowy waves of peppermint and Chinese medicine. She calls it “the purple oil.” Whenever Noelle experiences anxiety, she attempts to ease the condition by using this embrocation Chinese oil called “Zihua Wah Sing.” According to the manufacturers of this oil, it consists of menthol and eucalyptus oil, providing temporary pain relief and a soothing effect. The scent is pungent at first, but after a while it becomes soothing as the mint numbs the senses.
Noelle arrives at her destination – the coffee shop. She swiftly enters the room, as if she were late for a business meeting.
“Hi…uh… can I get a large latte with oat milk? Thanks.” Noelle mumbles with a robotic voice, avoiding eye contact with the cashier.
“Sorry, could you repeat that?” the cashier replies.
“Large latte, oat milk.” Noelle repeats her order with a cold voice, as a flush of rosy glow appears on her cheeks.
“Did you get that?” Her glance nervously flickers between the cashier and the counter.
“That will be five dollars and twenty cents,” the cashier replies robotically.
Noelle hands over the exact amount of bills that she prepared beforehand, aiming to avoid the awkward procedure of waiting for change. As soon as the transaction is complete, Noelle rushes towards the back of the shop so quickly that she forgets to say “thank you.”
The coffee shop is quiet, except for the steam from the coffee machines and the faint outro of “Dead!” by My Chemical Romance. Noelle stands in the corner of the room and patiently waits for her coffee.
Anxiety affects Noelle’s everyday life from physical pain to psychological discomfort. Some impacts include nausea, chest pain, ear ringing, vision black-outs, and headaches ranging from light-headedness to severe migraines. Noelle experiences at least one or two of these conditions daily. According to Kimberly Holland’s article “11 Anxiety Triggers and How to Identify and Manage Them,” common triggers for GAD include overworking, negative thinking, conflict and stress. Noelle explains, “So like if someone says a random comment that might be some-what negative, and I hear it, I will start to overthink and freak out, and that usually triggers nausea and migraines.”
Other triggers like whispering, loud and recurring noises, being in social settings with a lot of people and visual clutter also worsens Noelle’s anxiety. “If I’m in a noisy place,” she says as she plays with her fingers “with a lot of different sources of sound, I get overstimulated. Especially when the noises are super high pitched or piercing, like sirens or alarms that keep repeating. They make me feel overwhelmed.” It is rare for Noelle to not feel any anxiety within a day.
But today feels different. Every few minutes, a seagull soars through this endless canvas of vibrant blue, amidst cottony clouds. Noelle looks outside the half-open tram window–the trees are greener, the streets cleaner, the city looks more alive.
A ray of sunlight meets her eyes, blurring her vision with a golden hue. Strangely, it does not feel irritating today. Noelle embraces the sun as it toasts her newly washed jacket. There is a warm sensation in her body, the kind that is gentle, not muggy.
“Did I overtake my meds?” Noelle mumbles to herself. It seems like this perfectly ordinary day is too good to be true. Noelle swiftly skims around her seat, assuring the absence of unwanted attention. She hesitantly slips off her headphones, taking a deep breath. It is oddly peaceful.
Where did it all go? Noelle thinks to herself. The rattling of tram tracks, the muttering of voices, the ringing sirens. The quiet was almost unsettling, and her head doesn’t feel as heavy as it does on other days. Noelle feels relieved yet concerned; she then quickly reminds herself not to get too comfortable with being relaxed. Her anxiety is like a toxic lover. For countless nights, she wishes it to be gone, but in its absence, she feels hollow and incomplete.
Another seagull soars through the bright sky. Noelle looks out the window, “I wonder if tomorrow will feel like this again….” She zones out into the blue.
“Take a seat. Dr Hart will be with you shortly.”
The room smells of clean sheets and fresh lavender. Noelle sits on the couch comfortably, holding a paper cup filled with lukewarm water – she prefers it warm, cold water hurts her teeth. Dr. Hart’s room is bright and welcoming; it has two big windows stretching from the top of the wall to the floor. Noelle looks out at the pale green swaying leaves, patiently waiting for her therapist.
“Hi Noelle, thank you for waiting. It is lovely to see you.” Dr. Hart says this upon entering the room. There is something calming about the warm tone of her voice. Noelle could listen to her talk for hours.
“How are you feeling, Noelle? How have you been since our last session?” Dr. Hart smiles at Noelle and softens her gaze. Noelle pauses for a moment to think, then proceeds to answer as she avoids her gaze.
“Yeah,” she says, “I think I’ve been doing well lately; this week has been easy on me. Thank God!” Noelle sighs with a smirk on her face.
The numbers on the digital clock flash from 59 to zero. Noelle stretches her body and slowly rises from the couch. She steps out of Dr. Hart’s room, down the stairs and out of the building. A brush of cool air slides past her ankles. “Here we go!” Noelle thinks to herself. It is time to face the world again.
Time passes as quickly as sand in an hourglass for everyone. Eventually, a hill of sand emerges. For Noelle, that hill may symbolize her anxiety. What might be the hill in your life?
Michael Himbeault, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons