Absent-mindedly, she plucked the strings of her guitar, the image of a girl from her class appearing in her mind again and again. With the mounting stress of college searches and ACT prep, the question of who she was–or more specifically, who she liked–wasn’t something she wanted to add to the mix. But here she was, wondering if her affection for this girl had always been more than platonic.

She had heard the saying before: “You can’t choose who you love.” But for Lauren, this wasn’t permissive, this was a threat. Her black labradoodle, Darcy, perhaps the only living being who understood her turmoil, climbed onto the bed. As if to say everything would be okay, he nestled his head between her stomach and guitar. Lauren took a deep breath, ran her hand through his fur, and let herself sit with the idea of loving a woman. Uncertain and terrified, for the first time, she let herself disappear into this potential reality.

It was a constant contradiction of maintaining who she appeared to be and who she was. And this limbo probably would’ve turned out just fine had a certain woman never come along to shake Lauren’s perception of herself. Bridget was tall with collarbone-length brown hair and vibrant light blue eyes. At the beginning, Bridget was a friend to Lauren, a relationship she never thought to question. However, as Lauren continued to spend time with Bridget, her once narrow-minded vision of what their relationship was, started to expand. And the first moment she realized it, was because of Bridget’s bold willingness to say what she was thinking.

It was evening, a night that should have been like any other in their friendship.

“I’d like to see if we can be more,” Bridget had said in a calm voice, the car’s headlights staring into the nothingness of a suburban parking lot. Lauren heard this while a million thoughts swirled through her head.

“I don’t see how we can. No.” Lauren said with a disdain that was a bigger lie than she could share with Bridget. She had feelings for Bridget, sure, but they were feelings she’d refused to acknowledge. This was a pursuit that wasn’t allowed by her mind. It was internalized homophobia. Lauren’s fear in admitting her feelings came from a core belief that she wasn’t allowed to be open with her wants and needs. The worries of coming out to her parents, her friends, and the rest of her family–one that didn’t quite accept the LGBTQ community– were deafening. They muted the sound of joy that could exist if she would just say yes.

Instead, she rejected Bridget. Three times. On the last time, it was less a rejection of her feelings, but more a rejection of the thought that feelings could grow into a relationship. It was on a summer day and the sun burned, but nothing was worse than the discomfort caused by her own discontent.

Lauren walked back to the car with her stomach still in knots. She had spent the day going on roller coasters, but that was not the reason for the twists and turns her stomach was taking. It had been two weeks since Lauren last stated that she was not interested in being any more than friends with Bridget. And yet, Lauren caught herself looking in Bridget’s direction more than just a few times that day. The sun was hot and burned on her skin, it itched like the burning question in Lauren’s head. What would be so bad about admitting my feelings?

The truth was, admitting her feelings wouldn’t have been the scary part. The scary part was that if Lauren was honest with Bridget, she must also be honest with herself. She would have to admit that she’s bi, and standing her in the middle of the Six Flags parking lot wasn’t the place for this life-changing exchange Looking at Bridget, her coarse brown hair and pretty blue eyes, Lauren knew that she couldn’t give Bridget everything she deserved. She spoke softly, the words falling off her lips without the support of breath.

“I like you, I do, but I can’t be what you need or want. I’m stuck in my own cycle of acceptance and I can’t ask you to be dealing with that,” Lauren said.

Bridget responded with a peaceful willingness to listen. The two went back and forth trying to find where to go from there. They landed on friends. Friends who don’t talk as much, who stay distant to protect each other. But it was a promise neither one could keep.

They texted constantly, spent time together in ways that they no longer deny the truth. Lauren finally began to admit the possibility of the two of them–it was a reality she needed. So, she would pursue it. The first step was admitting this to herself, and the people closest to her. So one night, in a midwest suburban town, Lauren parked her car in the dim lighting of a Walmart parking lot that she and her friends had spent countless hours in before.

Lauren and her friends had just come back from an evening hanging out. The three had been sitting in the car for a while, Lauren’s frizzy, thick, dirty blonde hair was tied back in a low ponytail, her cargo pants and her baggy shirt disguising her silhouette. She was breathing slightly heavier than normal, but this evening with her closest friends was also slightly more serious than normal. Her piercing blue eyes darted around looking for a point of focus so that she wouldn’t have to maintain eye contact. She knew she needed to be honest. She was about to utter the truth, and for Lauren, saying the words made it real, and that was horrifying.

How do you accept a thing about yourself that you spent years denying? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she had met a girl that she thought was beautiful and that girl deserved to be loved out loud. Lauren leaned back in her seat, her legs pretzled around each other. She finally mustered up the courage to say her truth.

“You were right,” she stated, “I’m bi, I am talking to Bridget and you were so right.” And the two girls giggled.

Frankie and Maja had spent several evenings like this with Lauren talking about their love lives and the ins and outs of their happiness in regards to relationships, but the smile on Lauren’s face this time was different. She was finally happy. Her friends could tell. They beamed like proud parents giggling at the fact that Lauren thought she could hide the truth. Not just from them, but from herself.

Lauren’s admittance of her truth brought her a joy and an honesty that she had never before felt. Her future with Bridget no longer felt like a fantasy, it felt like a possibility. She felt like she was capable. Lauren felt her newfound confidence might allow her a future she craved, but not right away.

Weeks went by of Lauren’s usual complacency in her relationship with Bridget. They went out as friends, and sometimes, as more than friends. The teeter totter they’d put themselves on was being controlled by the outside world and so Lauren found few moments when it was just the two of them.

Lauren felt truly herself around Bridget in a way no other relationship or partner had ever made her feel. One night Lauren made the call that anyone seeking a little alone time with their favorite person would make. She called Bridget to go with her to go get gas. Because that’s so undeniably romantic. They sat in a parking lot talking for hours and unwilling to go back home to their still separate lives.

It was on that night that Bridget asked Lauren to be her girlfriend. Lauren didn’t panic this time. The two girls deserved to enjoy the happiness they’d found in each other. So Lauren said yes. They giggled and shared a joy that neither of them had felt before, and Lauren was at peace with her dreams becoming reality. But there was still work to do. Lauren was still not out to the people closest to her, her parents. And now that she knew what she had with Bridget was real, the thought of continuing to lie to her mom hit her like a ton of bricks. Lauren’s trend of crucial life moments occurring in cars continued to the night when Lauren would finally decide to tell her mom.

The car rumbled on the highway, Lauren’s hands shook in a similar fashion. She sat in the passenger seat, her hands trying to stabilize one another. She looked out the window, to her mom in the driver’s seat, and back to the window. Acceptance was never easy. Accepting yourself is a feat in itself, but to ask the woman who made you to accept a you she hasn’t yet met, felt earth shattering. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell her mother, but given the proper situation, Lauren would’ve given it some more time. But her mother, Dawn, deserved the truth.

Dawn had been open with her daughter about accepting the LGBTQ community, but Lauren knew accepting an idea and seeing it as a reality were two different things. The gas was burning and so were the minutes as Lauren ran out of time. Her voice burned with restraint as she tried to push the words out.

“I’m bi and I have a girlfriend,” she said, struggling through the words. Dawn acknowledged a certain “friend” had started coming around more and more, and noted her suspicions. They sat talking in a new breath of honesty unlike the fog that had lingered before. Lauren’s heart slowed as she settled into her mom’s acceptance. On the last leg of their drive, Lauren realized her mom was the easy one. Her dad, who was at their destination, remained in the dark.

Lauren’s dad remained in the dark, for a little under a year of Lauren’s relationship with Bridget. Her father, while not being outwardly homophobic was raised in that environment and Lauren couldn’t help but fear if that meant he held the same beliefs. But now Lauren was out of the house, deeply in love with a girl that meant the world to her, and comfortable enough in herself to let someone else know her truth. She shook as she told her father that she had something to say. When Lauren spoke the same words she had shared with her mother, a confusing expression of relief hit her dad.

“I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant,” he stated.

“Quite the opposite, I guess,” Lauren responded.

His simple acceptance overwhelmed her. She had spent so long worrying about what others would think that she didn’t realize the most important acceptance was her own. She had finally made it. No longer was she toying with her identity, unsure and afraid. She was living it—fully, openly, and in the happiest relationship she had ever known.

Acceptance took time. But it was worth everything.