The wind whips my hair as I saunter along the uneven sidewalk. I brush it back with my hand, and then look up at the church building I’d just escaped. My family sits inside, absorbing the thundering words of the pastor. A pang of guilt hits me, but I ignore it and keep walking. I look down at the ground and gently run my fingers along the brown, wooden fence beside me, kicking pebbles as I go.
I pass a married couple planting ferns along their driveway, while their children play happily in their front yard. I watch them as I walk by, and am overwhelmed with a wave of anxiety. I wonder what it’s like to wake up in the morning without regretting being alive.
I don’t want to kill myself. If I could, I would skip that step and just cease to be alive. There’s no other way, my mind says to me. It’s lying to me of course. My mind is my enemy, but I don’t care. I want to believe it. I’m tired of fighting my thoughts. They’re stronger, and they always win.
I don’t bother to look both ways as I cross the street. When I reach the other side, my lungs refuse to work and my breathing becomes shallow. I stop and lean against the rough bark of a tree, then run my hands through my tangled hair. Branches rustle above me; gusts of wind tumble stray leaves. I watch them carelessly fall across my feet. The world doesn’t need you, Liam. Life will go on without you.
I look out towards the street, and follow the cars as they zoom past me. I inch my faded green shoes to the edge of the curb, and curl my toes over its end. The drivers look straight ahead at the road, paying no attention to me. Make it look like an accident.
“I don’t know how.”
It doesn’t matter. Just step forward.
“Are you sure?”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
I don’t want to answer that question. I step down onto the street and press the back of my heels against the side of the curb. The church sits directly across from me. The service should be ending soon. Everyone will walk outside and see me standing here. What will they think? Step forward now.
I imagine my parents looking for me and finding me in the street. You’re doing them a favor.
What will my little brother and sister think? Do it now, Liam.
My vision is clouded and everything is deafening. I feel the wind of the cars against my face. This isn’t how I imagined it. My legs feel like lead. My heart suffocates in my chest. I can’t breathe. I look down at my feet. The pavement swims around them. A sea. I feel nauseous and weak, but I refuse to drown. Then, slowly, I lift each foot back—one, two—onto the sidewalk. One. Two.
I take a deep breath and stare at the dead grass for a long time. The wind whips around me, the leaves scatter. I look both ways, then cross the street. I walk past the family, my head down, and return to the church, before anyone notices I’d been gone. Then, I begin to breathe.
